5ive Guys FC

82ASK

A A Gill

Andrew Swanston read law at Cambridge, but was inspired to write by his lifelong interest in early modern history. His Thomas Hill novels – The King’s Spy, The King’s Exile and The King’s Return – are set against the backdrops of the English Civil War, Cromwell’s Commonwealth and the early Restoration respectively. He is also the author of Waterloo: The Bravest Man and Beautiful Star and Other Stories. His first historical thriller set during the reign of Elizabeth I – Incendium (published in paperback as The Incendium Plot) – introduced readers to the academic, lawyer and intelligencer Dr Christopher Radcliff, whose adventures continue in Chaos. Andrew Swanston lives in Surrey.

A D Swanston

A E Langsford

A G Hopkins

A. J. BAIME is the New York Times best-selling author of The Arsenal of Democracy: FDR, Detroit, and an Epic Quest to Arm an America at War and Go Like Hell: Ford, Ferrari, and Their Battle for Speed and Glory at Le Mans. Both books are in development for major motion pictures. Baime is a longtime regular contributor to the Wall Street Journal, and his articles have also appeared in the New York Times, Popular Science, and Men’s Journal. He lives in Granite Bay, California. Visit him at facebook.com/ajbaime and trumanbook.com.

A J Baime

A J Jacobs

A J P Taylor

Anthony James Pollard is a British medieval historian, specialising in the fifteenth century and in particular the Wars of the Roses. A leading authority in the field, he is profesor emeritus of Teesside University. His books include North-Eastern England during the Wars of the Roses, Richard III and the Princes in theTower, Imagining Robin Hood: the Late Medieval Stories in Historical Context and Warwick the kingmaker: Politics, Power and Fame.

A J Pollard

A J Rochester

A K Benjamin is a clinical neuropsychologist and the author of Let Me Not Be Mad: A Story of Unravelling Minds.

A K Benjamin

A. L. Berridge read English at Oxford, and taught for ten years before moving into television, where her production credits range from period drama and thrillers to long-running soaps. She has written two previous novels, Top Ten besteller Honour and the Sword and In the Name of the King. Into the Valley of Death is her third novel.

A L Berridge

Alison Gaylin's first job was as a reporter for a celebrity tabloid, which sparked a lifelong interest in writing about people committing despicable acts. More than a decade later, she wrote and published her Edgar-nominated first novel, HIDE YOUR EYES. 
 
She's since published nine more books, including the USA Today and international bestselling Brenna Spector suspense series, which has been nominated for the Edgar, Anthony and Thriller awards and won the Shamus award. 
 
She lives in upstate New York with her husband, daughter, cat and dog.

A L Gaylin

A Maxwell-Hyslop

A McArthur

A P Wavell

A.S. Webb is the Sunday Times bestselling author of Daughter of Chaos, the first instalment of The Dark Pantheon Trilogy. She is inspired by stories rooted in history and mythology, that push the boundaries of imagination and urge us to reflect on what it means to be human.

A S Webb

A. A. Dhand is the author of six previous novels, and has been shortlisted for the CWA Steel Dagger Award. His DI Harry Virdee novels are currently being adapted for TV by the BBC. He was raised in Bradford and spent his youth observing the city from behind the counter of a small convenience store. After qualifying as a pharmacist, he worked in London and travelled extensively before returning to Bradford to start his own business and begin writing. The history, diversity and darkness of the city have inspired all his novels. For more information about A. A. Dhand and his books, follow him on X @aadhand, and on Instagram @aa_dhand.

A. A. Dhand

A. A. Gill

A. A. Milne

A. Anatoli

A. B. Poranek grew up sharing her time between Ontario, Canada and rural Poland, and eventually completed a veterinary degree at the Warsaw University of Life Sciences. A lover of mythology and history, she enjoys exploring both in her writing. Her debut novel, Where the Dark Stands Still, an instant New York Times bestseller, is an ode to Poland's folktales, while A Treachery of Swans transports readers to a world inspired by 17th century France.

A. B. Poranek

A. Bradley

Professor A. C. Grayling is Principal of the New College of the Humanities at Northeastern University, London, and a Supernumerary Fellow of St Anne's College, Oxford. He has written and edited over thirty books on philosophy, history, science and current affairs. For several years he wrote columns for the Guardian newspaper and The Times and was the chairman of the 2014 Man Booker Prize.

A. C. Grayling

A.D. Miller is the author of Snowdrops, The Earl of Petticoat Lane and The Faithful Couple. Snowdrops was a bestseller and was shortlisted for many prizes including the Man Booker and the CWA Gold Dagger. It was translated into 25 languages. As Moscow Correspondent of The Economist A.D. Miller has travelled across the former Soviet Union and covered the Orange Revolution in Ukraine; he is now the magazine’s Culture Editor based in London. 
 
admillerbooks.com

A. D. Miller

A. E. Ellis

A. E. W. Mason

A. Humphreys

A. Igoni Barrett was born in Port Harcourt, Nigeria, in 1979 and lives in Lagos. He is a winner of the 2005 BBC World Service short story competition, the recipient of a Chinua Achebe Center Fellowship, a Norman Mailer Center Fellowship, and a Rockefeller Foundation Bellagio Center Residency. His short story collection, Love is Power, or Something Like That, was published in 2013. In 2014 he was named on the Africa39 list of sub-Saharan African writers under 40. Blackass is his first novel.

A. Igoni Barrett

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Mike Bender

Doug Chernack

There are few things more rewarding than having a pet. They love us unconditionally, shower us with attention, and actually help us live longer. So, what can possibly be awkward about our animal BFFs? Well . . . nothing. In fact, we're the awkward ones. We adore our pets but let's face it - sometimes L-O-V-E makes us go a little overboard. Like giving them middle names, throwing them elaborate birthday parties, and making them a Christmas jumper to match with the rest of the family. Truth is, what they cherish most is our companionship. And maybe that's the reason we care about them so much - because for such simple pleasures, they allow us to be as awkward as we want.

Awkward Family Pet Photos

Dog Personalities

We all know that dogs have personalities as colourful and unique as any human. They can be confident and dominant - born leaders - or shy and timid. They can be obedient, laid back, cheeky or stubborn. They can be prima donnas, stroppy so-and-sos or lazy sods - just like us. 
 
With so many characters you'll recognise, and based on the Instagram account with hundreds of thousands of followers, Dog Personalities reveals ours canine counterparts, all with imaginative backstories and photographs guaranteed to make you smile.

Dj Khaled

In The Keys, Snapchat sensation and recording artist DJ Khaled guides you through the pathway to success. Within these pages, he shares the wisdom of his life lessons, such as: 
 
- Stay away from They 
- Don’t ever play yourself 
- Respect the code 
- Win, win win, no matter what 
 
This positive, motivational book will give you the advice you need to go out there and create the life you’ve always wanted. Its upbeat, inspirational message will show you that you can achieve great things if you keep focussed, stay positive and never listen to the doubters.

The Keys

Colm O'Regan

Let me ask you a question. 
Have you ever wondered why pretentiousness, jargon, bullshit and Having Notions Above Our Station are so rife in the world today? Well, there’s now a recognized science that studies all of these forms of self-delusion. Welcome to the world of Bolloxology. 
We might not know it, but the modern world has subjected all of us to some form of Bolloxology. It’s that moment when you’ve paid twenty euro for fish and chips just so it can be served on a piece of slate. It’s when you share yet another Inspirational Quote of the Day against your better judgement. It’s when you realize you haven’t understood a word That Politician has said to you on your doorstep, yet you feel strangely compelled to take a selfie with him. It’s about the passion, the ‘key learnings’, the artisan chutney, the instacelebs. It’s about the Pure Hames we’re making of things. 
In Bolloxology, Colm O’Regan, comedian and author of the bestselling Irish Mammies books, shows that our world is now less a planet and more a hot air balloon. Illustrated by the hilarious Twisted Doodles, Bolloxology is an indispensable guide to the deceptive cod-infested seas of twenty-first-century life.

Bolloxology

John Crace

John Sutherland

Alas poor Yorick, he looks not at all well. 
I knew him, Horatio; 
a fellow of infinite jest, though sadly finite breath. 
Though thy gibes be still, yet still thou grins. 
I seldom saw thy teeth look quite so clean 
 
To celebrate the 400th anniversary of Shakespeare's death, this is the fourth of a new collection of the Bard's greatest plays, digested to a few thousand words with invaluable side notes from John Sutherland. Funny and incredibly clever, these parodies are a joy for those who know their Shakespeare, perfect for the theatre goer needing a quick recap, and a massive relief for those just desperate to pass their English exam.

Incomplete Shakespeare: Hamlet

Benedick: I am man enough to say that I love thee. Is that not strange? 
Beatrice: Not really… 
Benedick: By my sword, Beatrice thou lovest me. 
Beatrice: Get over yourself 
 
To celebrate the 400th anniversary of Shakespeare's death, this is the third of a new collection of the Bard's greatest plays, digested to a few thousand words with invaluable side notes from John Sutherland. Funny and incredibly clever, these parodies are a joy for those who know their Shakespeare, perfect for the theatre goer needing a quick recap, and a massive relief for those just desperate to pass their English exam. 
 
 
This ebook has a large amount of footnotes and is best viewed on a device that supports pop-up text.

Incomplete Shakespeare: Much Ado About Nothing

Colm Tobin

It’s exhausting, being Irish. The constant self-flagellation is enough to put anybody off their breakfast. 
Why are we so hard on ourselves? Is it the post-colonial overhang following centuries of oppression at the hands of a litany of foreign invaders? Or is it collective guilt for sending Westlife out into the wider world? 
In Surviving Ireland, acclaimed comedy writer Colm Tobin* takes the reader by the hand for a satirical romp through modern Irish life. As well as providing all the tools you’ll need to navigate this often tricky little island (except a compass or anything even resembling a fact), the book will take you through some of the country’s fraught history, asking some searing questions in the process: how did we get here, where are we going and who in the name of God is going to pay for it all? 
Surviving Ireland takes in culture and politics, town and country, food and drink, birth, death and everything in between. Let it be your definitive guide to this strange and bewildering rock, cowering from the cold Atlantic swells. Oh, and it’s got some funny drawings in it as well. 
* Not the Booker Prize-nominated author Colm Tóibín.

Surviving Ireland

Exactly a week after the general election, two men – ‘Call me Dave’ and ‘Call me Nick’ – walked side by side into the rose garden of No. 10 Downing Street to give their first press-conference as Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Minister, looking for all the world like men in love. It was a romance in which people wanted to believe. But it was also one that people couldn't help but mistrust. Most unnerving, however, was the sense that they both couldn't quite believe their luck. 
 
Cameron: I can't believe it. All those people out there just for us ... 
Clegg: I know. It's mad, isn't it? I have to keep pinching myself as well. 
Cameron: Go on say it again ... 
Clegg: What? 
Cameron: Call me Prime Minister ... 
 
The storms the Dave and Nick partnership would have to face (same sex marriage, plebgate, triple dip recession, riots ...) were then unclear. Now, almost five years on, this up-to-the-minute portrait of Westminster and the forthcoming General Election exposes the realities of the Coalition, while offering an indispensible guide to a half-decade of madness: 
 
· * Foreign Policy - The new 'special relationship' - William Hague and Angelina Jolie 
· * The Economy - Osborne finally cracks it: boom in London; bust everywhere else. 
· * Immigration - should the entire population of Bulgaria pick strawberries for us? 
· * The Opposition - how Labour got the wrong Miliband. 
Includes: 
* UKIP, PPI, ISIS and other dubious acronyms. 
· * The countdown to the General Election 2015: five years of planning since the last one. 
Insightful, painful, very funny, this is a must-read for all of us with a vote, whichever side we thought we were on.

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

A Short Guide to Modern Politics, the Coalition and the General Election

Gabrielle Grillo

Lucy Sweet

The publisher wishes to make clear that this is not a book of knitting patterns, but a photographic collection of some of the weird and wonderful things that people have created using needles and wool. The publisher works closely with Amazon to ensure that any book search provides accurate information, and apologises if anyone has bought WFT Knits thinking its contents to be other than photographic and just for fun. 
 
An hilarious photographic collection of the weirdest knits you'll ever see! 
 
Forget scarves and bobble hats. Here are the results of some nutty knitting that will really blow your mind... 
 
For the last four years, Gabrielle Grillo has been scouring the web for the most bizarre knitted items she can find. In this hysterically funny book, she has collected the very best of her finds. From a knitted Christmas turkey cosy to woolly vomit, from burgers to a sperm fertilizing an egg - they have to be seen to be believed. 
 
This is a photographic book of fun - full of weird, wonderful and extremely messed-up knitting and crochet creations from around the globe. As you flick through, there'll be a smile on your face and one question on your lips: 'WTF were they thinking?'

WTF Knits

Colm O’Regan’s massive bestseller Isn’t It Well For Ye? The Book of Irish Mammies brought the wonderful world of the Irish Mammy to homes across Ireland, where it took pride of place alongside the good scissors and the bit of string that might come in handy someday. And now, before you can say “Is it that time already?”, Irish Mammy is back with more words of wisdom. 
That’s More Of It Now: The Second Book of Irish Mammies takes us even deeper into this parallel universe, with advice on everything from how to tell Mammy she is about to become a Granny to how to discipline a child (aged 0–45), touching on Irish Mammies’ role in the worlds of sport, the workplace, technology, religion and culture. Enjoy popular fairy-tales retold with an Irish Mammy at the centre of them; marvel at exclusive, not-yet-released scenes from the epic Game of Scones; and find some essential apps for the Modern Mammy’s tablet. 
Probably the most important sequel since The Godfather Part II, or at least Fifty Shades Darker, That’s More Of It Now will find a place in everybody’s heart (and stocking). Just don’t leave it on a damp step.

That's More Of It Now

The Second Book Of Irish Mammies

James Hogg

Robert Sellers

Spontaneous, hilarious, irrepressible and, of course, trailblazing - Kenny Everett was revolutionary in television and radio comedy. Chris Evans, Chris Moyles, Rob Brydon and Steve Wright have all cited Kenny as a huge influence on their work - even the great Spike Milligan called him a genius. It was Kenny who developed the radio show format with which we are so familiar today: a mix of music, jingles, funny voices and sound effects. When he seamlessly made the move to television in the seventies, he created unforgettable characters such as Sid Snot, Cupid Stunt and Marcel Wave. 
 
Rarely seen without a smile on his face in public, in reality, Kenny was a deeply insecure man who suffered severe bouts of depression. He also struggled with his sexuality, only coming out to the public in 1985. Diagnosed with HIV in 1987, Kenny died in 1995. 
 
This in-depth and affectionate biography has been fully authorised by Kenny's family and contains original interviews with Kenny's sister, Kate and with his former wife, Lee, as well as entertainment figures such as Barry Cryer, Cliff Richard, Chris Tarrant and Paul Gambaccini. Packed with fabulous stories about the highs and lows of Kenny's life, his great friendships with The Beatles and Freddie Mercury, this is a book that any fan of comedy and entertainment must read.

Hello, Darlings!

The Authorized Biography of Kenny Everett

Waldo Pancake

Waldo Pancake is loved by millions for his bestselling merchandise, featuring hilariously sarcastic, arrestingly poignant messages, characterised by his own special brand of humour. 
 
One day, Waldo looked around and realised that what the world needed was more of him. Much more. Happily, the result is Live, Believe, Worry a Bit - a beautifully designed little book packed with Waldo's hilarious take on life, the universe and just about everything else, packaged in his unique, trademark style. 
 
So if you are in need of something to put a smile on your face, pick up a copy and dive in. Welcome to Waldo's world!

Live, Believe, Worry a Bit

Waldo Pancake is loved by millions for his bestselling merchandise, featuring hilariously sarcastic, arrestingly poignant messages, characterised by his own special brand of humour. 
 
This beautifully designed little book is perfect for those who seek a gift for that special person in their life but who don't want to go overboard on the schmaltz. Affectionate, yet with a twist of Waldo wit, this book is perfect for those who might struggle to find the words to express themselves. Let Waldo do the talking for you. 
 
'I love you so much that I went into a shop and bought you a little book about it.'

Love is Me Buying You this Book

Nora Ephron

‘A woman for all seasons, tender and tough in just the right proportions’ 
The New York Times 
 
Two classic collections of uproarious essays from the late Nora Ephron, bestselling author of I Feel Bad About My Neck and I Remember Nothing. Here she tackles everything from feminism to the media, from politics to beauty products, with her inimitable charm and distinctive wit. 
 
From her Academy Award-nominated screenplays (When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, Julie &amp; Julia) to her bestselling fiction and essays, Nora Ephron illuminated her era with wicked honesty and insight. 
 
This collection brings together some of Ephron’s most famous writing on a generation of women (and men) who helped shape the way we live now, and on significant modern-day events. In these sharp, hilariously entertaining and vividly observed essays, from the famous ‘A Few Words About Breasts’ to important pieces on her time working for newspapers and magazines, this is Ephron at her very best.

Crazy Salad & Scribble Scribble (An Omnibus)

‘Nora Ephron can write about anything better than anybody else can write about anything’ 
New York Times 
 
A bitingly funny, provocative and revealing look at our foibles, passions and pastimes – from the much-missed, bestselling author of I Feel Bad About My Neck and I Remember Nothing. 
 
From her Academy Award-nominated screenplays (When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, Julie &amp; Julia) to her bestselling fiction and essays, Nora Ephron was one of the most gifted, prolific and versatile writers of our time. 
 
In this classic collection of magazine articles, Ephron does what she does best: embrace culture with love, cynicism and unmatched wit. 
 
From tracking down the beginnings of the self-help movement, to dressing down the fashion world’s most powerful publication, to capturing a glimpse of a legendary movie in the making, these timeless pieces tap into our enduring obsessions with celebrity, food, romance, clothes, entertainment and sex. Whether casting her ingenious eye on public figures or herself, Ephron deftly weaves her journalistic skill with the intimate style of an essayist and the incomparable talent of a great storyteller.

Wallflower at the Orgy

A BOOK if you don’t mind! And him with a degree and a job and all. 
 
Everyone should have an Irish Mammy. She’s never short of advice, a kind word and a cup of tea (making sure to scald the teapot first, of course). 
 
Bring the coat anyway. If it’s too hot you can take it off. 
 
Comedian Colm O’Regan explores the phenomenon of the Irish Mammy and what she might say about everything from the ‘new mass’ to the cardinal sin of not owning a cough bottle and the importance of airing clothes properly. The global influence of the Irish Mammy, through history, science, politics and literature, is undeniable. Did you know, for instance, that Hamlet had an Irish Mammy? 
 
So if you’re an Irish Mammy, have one, know one or suspect you might be turning into one, this book will act as your guide. But be aware that though this book might think it knows it all, it doesn’t, only Mammy knows it all.

Isn't It Well For Ye?: The Book of Irish Mammies

Mitchell Symons

When Mitchell Symons wrote his extraordinary bestsellers This Book, That Book and The Other Book - all neatly combined in one sensational volume, The Ultimate Loo Book - he was judged by many to be the King of Trivia. Now, inThe Bumper Book for the Loo, this supremo of weird and wonderful, astonishing and inexplicable facts, figures, stats and stories returns with a super selection of trivialistic treats - each one more remarkable and, yes, even more trivial than anything he's compiled before. 
 
For example, did you know that... 
 
·The first alarm clock could only ring at 4 a.m... 
·There was once an internet rumour that Belgium doesn't exist... 
·In 1830, King Louis XIX ruled France for just 15 minutes... 
·All mammals have jaws but only humans have chins... 
·Peru has more pyramids than Egypt... 
 
Packed to the rafters with all manner of useful and useless information, lists of the biggest, the smallest, the best and the worst, The Bumper Book for the Loo is a hilarious compendium of endless delights - and a hugely entertaining, unputdownable feat of nonsense!

The Bumper Book For The Loo

Facts and figures, stats and stories – an unputdownable treat of trivia

Flotsam &amp; Jetsam is the ultimate trivia book for fans of the popular BBC Radio 4 programme Desert Island Discs, and a fascinating introduction for all those who have yet to discover its delights. 
 
Taking the reader through seven decades of wonderful entertainment, here is an absorbing range of facts, figures and miscellany – including who chose what, and why. It also reveals much about the castaways' drives and motivations, their influences and, of course, their lives. 
 
Spanning the early years with the original presenter, Roy Plomley, and the present day, the Desert Island Discs programme has brought its own unique surprises to listeners, some very personal, some humorous, such as Eric Morecambe's choice of a deckchair as his luxury and Ernie Wise's of a deckchair ticket machine. 
 
From Beethoven to the Beatles, from chessboards and chocolate to Jane Austen and Zola, Flotsam &amp; Jetsam is the perfect companion guide to the national treasure that is Desert Island Discs.

Desert Island Discs: Flotsam & Jetsam

Fascinating facts, figures and miscellany from one of BBC Radio 4’s best-loved programmes

Simon Mayo

Can a crocodile spit? What does the Queen have for dinner? How do you measure a rainbow? Why is q always followed by u? 
 
Originally open for children to phone in with their homework issues, these days the ‘Homework Sucks’ segment of Simon Mayo’s award-winning Drivetime show invites listeners of all ages to send in questions they've always wanted to ask. Because the chances are a member of the very clever Radio 2 audience will have an answer. So now all you need to do is learn the contents of this book by heart. We apologize if, in the process, you become: 
 
a) smarter b) more interesting c) better at pub quizzes d) all of the above 
 
Got a question? Got a better answer? Join in! #homeworksucks

Homework Sucks!

A Drivetime Book of Really Useful Information

Jilly Cooper

More infectious humour and witty observations from Jilly Cooper, whose latest collection of articles, originally published in The Sunday Times and the Mail on Sunday, includes a light-hearted and irreverent account of a visit to Australia, published for the first time in its entirety. Scenes nearer home, viewed with equal disrespect include th ediverse worlds of a vet's conference, fashionable charity balls, the London to Brighton run and Hen Night in Wandsworth. And, as always, Jilly Cooper is a devastating, hilarious and sometimes moving chronicler of the minutiae of family life, with some fascinating sidelights and side-swipes at the middle-class educational rat race along the way.

Jolly Marsupial

Manda Scott

A pocket compilation of the Mayan legends of 2012, featuring everything you need to know about the Apocalypse in easy to digest facts. 
 
The first thing you need to know about 2012 is that it's just like any other year. 
 
And the second thing you need to know... is that it really isn't... 
 
The Maya didn't make it their 'end date' for nothing... 
 
2012 collects everything you need to know about how, why and what is going to happen in this apocalyptic year, as outlined in the ancient Mayan prophesies in a humourous and insightful way, the facts, the fantasties and the frankly extraordinary.

2012

Everything You Need To Know About The Apocalypse

Augustus Brown

Dogs can smell electricity. Cats can heal bones by purring. Kittens can contact their mothers via a secret, ultra-sonic language. Dogs can understand a vocabulary of 200 human words. 
 
Every day, it seems, new scientific discoveries are fuelling the age old argument about which of man's two best friends really is the superior species. Augustus Brown fans the flames further with this collection of the weirdest, most wonderful and downright incredible of these truths about cats and dogs. Did you know, for instance, that dogs can see moving objects 900 yards away, and that cats can sense earthquakes coming? Or that dogs prefer Bach to Britney, while cats prefer drugs to chocolate? 
 
Fascinating, funny and provocative, his book may not settle the debate once and for all. But it is certain to set cat and dog lovers arguing like, well you know what...

Play It Again, Tom

South American rats settle arguments by boxing. Tuna fish sunbathe and herring communicate with each other by breaking wind. Llamas hum to each other, elephants impersonate traffic sounds and whales sing ballads. Some kangaroos grow on trees. 
 
Strange new, scientifically proven facts about the animal kingdom emerge seemingly every day. Here, gathered together in one book, are hundreds of the funniest, most fascinating and plain bizarre things we have discovered about the non-human world. 
 
All animal life is here: from the only dog that can develop gout to the wren whose song sounds just like Beethoven, from the cattle that generate electricity to the worm that has the power to brainwash. It is a book full of surprises. Who would have thought giraffes can't trot, reindeer 'fly' after taking magic mushrooms or that elk turn nasty when drunk? Who would have known that shark embryos attack, that caterpillars tap dance or that - out of our earshot - male mice are serenading their girlfriends with high-pitched love songs? And who on earth would have guessed that male pandas court potential partners by performing handstands?

Why Pandas Do Handstands...

And Other Curious Truths About Animals

Simon Mayo first opened his confessional in 1988 on BBC Radio 1's Breakfast Show. Every day, one shamefaced listener would share their deepest, darkest secret while millions tuned in to find out whether or not Simon would grant his forgiveness. 
 
Over twenty years later, Simon presents the daily Drivetime show on BBC Radio 2, and the confessions segment is back. Now those guilty listeners who missed their chance first time round have joined a whole new generation of sinners to beg for clemency from Father Mayo and his flock. From supermarket-wrecking games of 'aisle catch' to kidnapped pensioners and clandestine pet vasectomies, this is a brand-new collection of hilarious letters and emails from Simon's ever-popular show. 
 
Join the discussion on Twitter: #drivetimeconfessions

Confessions

John O'Farrell

A doctor in America has just invented a 'sperm sorting machine'. At least that's what he claimed when his receptionist burst into the office to find him doing something peculiar with the Hoover attachment. Apparently the system used for separating the male and female sperm is remarkably simple. A sample is placed in the petri dish with a microscopic pile of household items on a tiny staircase. All the sperm that go straight past without picking anything up are obviously boys. 
 
John O'Farrell's first collection of columns GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT was a huge success prompting fulsome praise from such major public figures as the Queen Mother, Roy Jenkins and Cardinal Hume. Sadly, since their deaths, their glowing endorsements cannot be officially verified. So here instead is another collection of funny, satirical essays on a hundred and one 21st century subjects. Read how the government plans to introduce 'Santa loans' that will leave school children £10,000 in debt for all the presents that used to be free from Father Christmas. Learn how the EU is being expanded to include Narnia. And did you know that American war planes now have a little sticker on the back saying 'How's my bombing?' with an 0800 number to call if they blow up any Muslim country in a discourteous of aggressive manner . . .

I Blame The Scapegoats

Emma Freud

Clement Freud, who died suddenly in April 2009, was a man of many parts. His life embraced a variety of careers, including TV chef, gambler, owner of a night club and several racehorses, radio broadcaster, adventurer and - not least - Member of Parliament. Yet, as his son Matthew declared at his funeral, it was Freud's writing that brought us closest to the man. 
 
In addition to several books - notably the children's book Grimble (1968), Freud on Food (1978), The Book of Hangovers (1981) and a volume of autobiography, Freud Ego (2001) - he wrote on a vast range of subjects for newspapers and magazines, including the Observer, Sun, Financial Times, Sporting Life, Daily Mail, Tatler, Guardian, New Yorker and Racing Post. A Feast of Freud presents a generous helping of Clement Freud's best and most humorous writing on a broad sweep of topics, including his consuming passions of food, sport, politics and the absurdity of the human condition, reflecting his extraordinarily varied life through the prism of his distinctive deadpan humour. 
 
From the pen of the man who once joked of being 'out-grandfathered' by the younger Winston Churchill comes this richly stocked volume that every Freud fan, no matter in which of his many lives they encountered him, will treasure.

A Feast of Freud

The wittiest writings of Clement Freud

Ayn Carrillo

It all started when Ayn's boyfriend pronounced her pornophobic - in defence of his own eyebrow-raising reading material. In order to prove that she wasn't a prude (just enlightened), this self-confessed Good Girl found herself jumping headlong into the booming sex industry in order to understand what her boyfriend was so interested in. 
 
She was intrigued to hear that "Porn is not merely acceptable, it's hip" (New York Magazine) and that women were the fastest growing segment in the porn industry. Ayn's quest soon aroused the curiosity of her female friends: and it transpired that the girls - single or married, involved or not - were desperate for information. And so, (in the name of research!) Ayn created her own "porn-to-do list." The items on the list ranged from: 
 
· Reading erotica 
· Meeting a porn star 
· Going to a sex store 
· Testing vibrators 
· Visiting a strip club 
 
Along the way, Ayn ditched the porn-obsessed boyfriend, and learned that one should not try to take change from a stripper's G-string tips, nor is the Hustler store the best place to make a first impression on a hot guy. This is the result of one woman's attempt to pierce the veil that modestly covers something many women are actually fascinated by. Surprising, hilarious, informative, and ultimately non-judgmental, this is one book you won't put down - once you admit you're curious enough to pick it up!

Good Vibrations

The year is 1Q84. This is the real world, there is no doubt about that. But in this world, there are two moons in the sky. Discover the 1Q84 Trilogy by Haruki Murakami.

1Q84

365 Days of Art

A BBC Christmas

A Black Book Thriller

A Box Full of Murders

A Cal Leandros Novel

A Christmas Mystery

The intelligent and capable police commissioner Guido Brunetti confronts crime in and around his home town of Venice.

A Commissario Brunetti Mystery

A DC Smith / Kings Lake Investigation Series

A Daisy Story

Chronicling the lives of over three hundred characters, unrivalled for its scope and humour, this is a unique evocation of life in twentieth-century England.

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