A survival guide for the bored and desperate

The Frustrated Commuter’s Companion

A commuting compendium for the bored and desperate

The train now arriving on platform one is on fire. Passengers are advised not to board this train.

We are sorry to announce the cancellation of the 8.16 to Bedford. This is due to slippery rain

A Wallaby on the line between Huddersfield and Stalybridge is causing delays

Commuting is hell -- this is your survival guide 
 
Delays, price rises, leaves on the line, rail replacement bus services, snowflakes, sunshine, rain, the list of excuses is endless. Forget enjoyment, commuting is about survival. This is your guide to getting through it. 
 
Packed with quizzes (the most expensive ticket per mile), trivia (the longest bus diversion ever), tips and techniques (seat etiquette, armpit dodging), a commuter's lexicon (Comfort paradox, Seat remorse), complaint letter templates and more, this is everything you need to channel your fury and make the best of the journey to work. 
 
 
This book is a call to arms and a sign of solidarity amongst commuters. Whenever you see a fellow traveller with a copy, give them the secret sign of the commuter: ignore them completely. But inside you both will know that you are part of a silent army. 
 
We are commuters. We are coming. But we will probably be at least half an hour late.

Jon Swan has written many humour books, including the bestselling Man Walks Into a Bar. When he's not writing, there's nothing he enjoys more than packed trains, rail replacement bus services and chock-a-block traffic jams.

The perfect stocking filler for frustrated commuters everywhere! 
 
Commuting is hell -- this is your survival guide 
 
Delays, price rises, leaves on the line, rail replacement bus services, snowflakes, sunshine, rain, the list of excuses is endless. Forget enjoyment, commuting is about survival. This is your guide to getting to work and back again with your sanity intact. 
 
Packed with quizzes (what kind of commuter are you?), trivia (the dirtiest seats on the Underground), tips and techniques (seat etiquette, armpit dodging), a commuter's lexicon (Comfort paradox, Seat remorse), complaint letter templates and more, this is everything you need to channel your fury and make the best of the journey to work. 
 
 
This book is a call to arms and a sign of solidarity amongst commuters. Whenever you see a fellow traveller with a copy, give them the secret sign of the commuter: ignore them completely. But inside you both will know that you are part of a silent army. 
 
We are commuters. We are coming. But we will probably be at least half an hour late.

A Man Walks Into a Bar 3

The third volume of the biggest and best joke book series ever

Jonathan Swan is Her Majesty's joke laureate. In times of great national feeling it is his job to record the sentiments of the country in a limerick or blonde joke.

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won the Nobel Prize? 
He was outstanding in his field. 
 
What kind of cheese can hide a horse? 
Mascarpone. 
 
What about the red ship and the purple ship that collided at sea? 
Over one hundred sailors were marooned. 
 
Did you hear about the paranoid vegetarian? 
He always feared the wurst. 
 
A blonde Essex girl walked into a bar with an Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman, and started to change the lightbulb. The barman asked, 'Is this some kind of joke?' 
 
The third in the bestselling series of hilarious joke books - packed full of every kind of joke to make you laugh until your sides split. From elephants to mothers-in-law, priests to chickens, 'knock knock' to 'doctor, doctor' and much more besides, A Man Walks into a Bar 3 contains over 2,500 great new gags. Even Queen Victoria would be amused.

The Biggest Book of Sporting Jokes Ever

Funny Shaped Balls

The greatest collection of sporting jokes ever compiled

Jonathan Swan's parents predicted from an early age he would be an author, albeit of his own downfall. Instead he wrote Quack Magic, a history of dubious medical cures, and the best-selling Man Walks into a Bar 2, and knows more jokes than is probably healthy for anyone. When not eavesdropping on strangers to see if he can pick up any new one-liners, he lives in London with his wife and three children, who all remain determined to never laugh at anything he says.

Over 2,000 sporting funnies from every sport: football, rugby, cricket, golf, boxing, 
snooker and beyond... 
 
Two men fishing on a river bank in a canal in London on a Saturday afternoon miles away from a radio or TV. Suddenly one man turns to the other and says, 'Spurs have lost again.' The other man is astonished and says, 'How on earth do you know that?' The other man replies, 'It's quarter to five.' 
 
After the success of the George Foreman grill, Audley Harrison is launching his own toaster. The problem is it can only do four rounds. 
 
What does Steve Harmison put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket? A bat

Man Walks Into A Bar 2

The second volume of the biggest and best joke book there is - now with extra long jokes

Dr Jonathan Swan, who earned his medical qualification by correspondence, practices in North London on anyone he can stop for long enough in the street. He also holds a second honorary qualification from the Muswell Hill School of Hypochondria.

Man Walks Into A Bar 2 is the second volume of the hugely popular and hilariously funny joke book series. A one-stop shop for anyone who likes to hear and tell jokes. The jokes are ordered thematically - wives, husbands, doctors, lawyers, the French, the Germans, jokes about nuns, jokes about monkeys, the lot. There are also regular panels which group jokes by type too - Essex girls, changing a lightbulb etc. Our material will turn you into the toast of your local pub or make you loathed in your own home - remember, it is all in the telling. From the sublimely erudite to stuff Frank Carson would turn down, this book can service you with every joke you'll ever need. 
 
Including such gems as the following: 
 
Why have elephants got big ears? 
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. 
 
A magic tractor is driving down a country road and turns into a field. 
 
An amnesiac walks into a bar. 'Do I come here often?' 
 
I went to a book shop and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. 
 
How do you know when you're a pirate? 
You just arrrrrggghh.

Jonathan Swan

Wet Yourself Laughing with the Ultimate Joke Book

Find laughs on the loo. This book has loads of them - over 400 pages of the best jokes in fact. 
 
What happened when the human cannonball was late for work? He got fired! 
 
See?! 
 
Enjoy this and hundreds of other feel-good jokes and one-liners.

Jonathan Swan

Books by Jonathan Swan

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